[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
So... The controls are busted,
the fence is electrified,
I don't know where the power source
is, AND I'm still lock-blocked.
What we have here is a multi-layered
problem, except there's no actual solution.
Or at least, none within the confines
of the p--Whoa! Don't touch that!
It's happening again. I keep coming back
to this feeling that I'm a rat in a maze.
Except it's all dead ends.
You put rats in mazes
to teach them something.
What am I supposed to be learning here?
Apparently I needed to learn that!
Just too pie-in-the-sky, Pollyanna-singing--
[alarm ringing]
Oh, there's an alarm? That's hilarious.
Alright, you know what?
It doesn't even matter.
They're headed that way, I'm going
downriver, it's all going to work out.
So there WAS a solution. I just
needed to blow up everything.
The answer was right in
front of me this whole time.
Whatever. I'll tell you
what I told your friend:
METROCOP #1: That's a grenade!
Oh wait. That's just a cam bot.
[explosion]
It's getting caught in the doorwa--.
Okay, I've reloaded!
You can keep coming now!
Actually, I have a better idea.
Oh, NOW you show up! We need to
coordinate! This isn't working!
Yeah, that's a little better.
Next time, wait until my gun's
out, THEN come through the doorway.
Those first two guys were right on
cue. You're a three out of ten, man.
Oh, whoops! I didn't even think about that.
It's just becoming reflex at this point.
Y'know, I kind of hope
that bot WAS recording
because that had to look bad ass:
gun right at the camera, me
looking stone-cold killer...
If they're going to make
wanted posters of me,
they HAVE to use that shot.
That's okay, I have more.
[explosion, Combine chatter]
I can't believe they got here so fast!
They must've radioed as soon as they saw me;
that alarm was just a coincidence.
Even cop-killers can't
get service THAT fast.
METROCOP #2: That's a grenade!
Oh, that was a crap toss. My bad!
Oh, good. You're back. Let's try this again.
Perfect. See? I'm getting better at this.
METROCOP #4: That's a grenade!
But you know what my problem
is? I need more grenades.
Yeah, I feel much more comfortable now.
I like how I seem to be
steering the conversation.
Before it was "hostiles"
or "What's your location?"
Welcome to Grenadier
Gordon's Grenade Emporium!
Our prices are so low,
we're giving 'em away!
[explosions]
HAVE A GRENADE!
[explosions]
GIVE ONE TO YOU FRIENDS!
[explosions]
GIVE ONE TO YOUR FAMILY!
[explosions]
GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR!
[explosions]
GIVE ONE TO YOUR BOSS!
[explosions]
Ah! Fuck you...!
Well, for our less-discerning
customers, we also have bullets.
Grenades require a more refined palate.
Don't try to haggle with me, you savages!
I only purchase from reputable suppliers,
like...dead people giving
me loads of free stuff.
This is much better business.
Although if I'm being honest with myself,
if I had to criticize these grenades,
it's that they blink red and make noises.
Somebody was trying to express themselves
when it's a classic case of the
designer not actually being a user.
But I'll still take more!
I didn't even notice that.
Hell, this saves me a trip
back to the other room.
I mean, I was never leaving here
without several of my closest friends.
But yeah, I saw this all
the time at Black Mesa.
Like that microwave gun people
would keep walking in front of
because nobody knew it was on,
or those guided missiles that would fly out
of range from the authentication servers...
The Pentagon was PISSED about that one!
Oh, and of course the laser tank...
Yeah, it would refract and melt the
gunner when the lens got cracked
so that was another no-go.
They should've made the grenades look
like rocks or potatoes or something,
then the cops would be like,
[mocking voice]
"Oh look. He's throwing potatoes at us. Hoho..."
I still can't get over
how fast they got here.
These cops make so many mistakes, maybe
that's the one thing they do right.
Like how Domino's
promises 30 minutes or less,
maybe here, from the time you dial 9-1-1,
they pride themselves on arriving to put
a bullet in your head in under 15 minutes.
God, I fucking hate cops.
No, wait. It wouldn't be 9-1-1. I'm in Europe.
I don't know what number they are.
Okay, I'm just going to time this right,
otherwise this could be the
most casual beheading ever.
My suit would brace my head like a golf tee.
Actually, I'm being a pessimist.
The boat seems strong enough
to absorb some of the force,
so the beam would probably
just crush my skull instead.
[distant gunfire]
Oh, this again.
AH! AH! HE'S HITTING THE FRAME!
I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THAT!
YOU'RE SHOWING NO PERSONAL GROWTH AT ALL!
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOU!
I'm not even going to look back
to see if a rocket's following me!
They think they're Spider-Man?!
They're right in the wa--
No, no! C'mon, YOU KNOW I
HATE ROCKETS! YOU KNOW THIS!
THAT WAS A BEARD-TRIMMER!
Oh, my God! I'm in a kill-zone!
IT'S TOO LATE! WE ALL BURN!
DID GOD JUST THROW A CAR AT ME?!
Well, there's probably a lot of reasons...
But that's what Looney Tunes God would do!
Hey...this is actually...pretty
for a...filthy drainage canal.
Oh, that was everything...
There's too much everything.
I mean, what DIDN'T they throw at me?
Okay, they didn't send guys on jet skis.
But that's just because
the--OOF!--because the water's low.
I'm sure they have them in storage.
Okay, c'mon! I don't have
time for this shit!
THEY ARE ON MY ASS! I'VE GOTTA KEEP MOVING!
In fact, that changes
everything. I NEED the boat.
They have assault vehicles
with homing rockets!
I'd be lucky to survive that in a tank,
forget on foot in all these open plains.
Those are my choices. Would you
like some death with your death?
Oh, no no no no no no NO NO NO NOOOOOO!
[alarms blaring]
Well...back to work.
[alarms blaring]
I think those are the same alarms
[alarms blaring]
we had at Black Mesa.